Burnout

Wake me up October begins when September ends.

Over the past few weeks, I've been getting increasingly restless, and seriously burnt out. I keep telling myself that it's fine, it's just 'admin work'. Since I can't do anything else, how can't I even handle simple 'admin work'? Listening to constant naggings and instructions every day certainly doesn't help to uplift me one bit.

It's already discouraging when my peers go on a tedious and tiring course that I can't go because of my medical status. I didn't choose it. It's worse when it seems like I can't do simple 'admin work' compared to their training. I just felt like shit.

I've come to realise that the reason why I enjoy my job, or spend much of my time at it even when it doesn't make sense (i.e. depriving myself of personal time), is that I find validation through my work. People acknowledge my worth through how much I can accomplish, how much I can do.

It's horrid. It's truly horrid. Subconsciously, I'm trying to prove to other people that Matthew can do it. In fact, Matthew loves the attention. Yet, when I finally get the recognition, I belittle it, pushing it away like I don't deserve it.

But I've come to recognise that I've really got nothing to prove. I don't need to care how others see me, because it's God who validates me. Galatians 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." All this while, I've been seeking the approval of men, unfortunately.

Humble me, Father. Help me to understand that You are enough for me, that Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your power is made perfect in my weaknesses. And I've got nothing to lose, because all things come from you. I need to surrender everything unto You, "for dust [I am] and to dust [I] will return."

I was reading the article How to Beat Small-Group Burnout and it began with this:

Moses worked very long, hard days mediating the disputes of God's people (Exodus 18), and then Moses got some feedback from his father-in-law, Jethro: "What you are doing is not good" (Exodus 18:17).

Moses insisted that he was the only one who could serve the people and that the people liked coming to him. Basically, Moses was co-dependent on the people of God. It made him feel good. But, one detail from this account shows why it wasn't good: Moses' wife, Zipporah and his sons were living with Jethro. Moses' busyness for God had separated him from his family. This was not good.

Proverbs 16:25 confirms this. "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." It seemed right, but beneath the deceiving facade is the lack of security, validated through men, but only valid in God.

Father, help me to draw close to You once again. "Once again, I thank You. Once again, I pour out my life."